"predictable girl" saying bye to her 2010

"Dang Monica, starting next year, you need to update me more often, alright? Or elseI'm going to start losing track of where you are in this world."

Predictable girl's unpredictable year coming up again.
Don't be too surprised if my next year's New Year Eve greeting is from somewhere in Antarctica.





:) ah! I lived a good year!

Bestsellers

나에게는 유행은 피하고 베스트셀러는 칭찬하지 않는 이상한 습성이 있다.

Ask me what my "favorite" of any kind is, and you probably won't hear anything in vogue or hot. In my world, trend is something to be avoided, and likewise, singularity is something to be pursued and digged for.
I value individualism.
and worship eccentricity.

Just in case you didn't get it (though it is very not likely), let me say the same theme with a bit of a twist in dimension--I don't like anything typical.
I am sure there is my natural penchant involved, but [psychologically] there is part of illogical and inexplicable sense of pride taking part in this characteristic. 어떤 몹쓸 자존감 ?

어쨋든 amidst wide wide bookstores, I practice no-book-gets-left-behind poicy on the bestseller section, and open the first page of the reading just to make sure that I don't miss out on what my society is getting into. But this despicable me doesn't advertise for the bestsellers because by doing so, I become a follower of the main, the common stream.

But you know, I ended last year with the epitome of inspirational book (The Secret by Rhonda Byrne) and am ending this year with yet another bestseller of that kind (The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch). Their words approach to my soul very strongly, as it has done to gazillions of people. I am moved by what shook the rest of the world, and I succumb to the fact that I am one of them.

This also reminds me: we often say we don't like cliches. Old-fashioned. Overused. 식상하다며.
But cliches will never disappear, as long as human beings share same emotions and deal with similar dilemmas. Ultimately, we all relate to same lessons (e.g., "everything is going to be alright in the end"). Those connections are what make us humans and what becomes a basement for friendship.

그래서 여기서 고백하건데,
다른 사람들이 좋아하는건 나도 좋다 ☞☜

Thus, here I openly recommend the bestsellers.
Read The Last Lecture.

Read The Alchemist.
Read The Little Prince. Please.

(oh, and listen to the Beatles)

Dang it...what a predictable girl I am!

89

내일 연구소에서의 생산성은 기꺼이 포기하고 연말 가요대전을 이시간까지 보다가

장우영과 윤두준은 몇살인지 검색해보고 갑자기 부끄러워져서 누나는 자러간다...

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something I thought about...

Friendship requires a great waste of time and idleness.

"Are you feeling okay? [regarding the previous posting]"

Of course! No sudden burst of misanthropy or pessimism here :)

I interpreted the word "waste" as a very impersonal and stringently objective point of view. Subjectively, what's special about a sincere friendship is that our deeper heart wills to deplete valuable resources, and we never feel like it's a "waste" because it is highly enjoyable. Without any meanings attached to it, it's a "usage" anyhow.

I got this quote from a very compassionate and extroverted friend of mine. At first, I was surprised and a bit repelled by the wordings, but the overall realization is not pessimistic or cynical at all. (That friend was actively wasting time with me at the moment too!)

something to think about...

Friendship requires a great waste of time and idleness.



That's why a true one means a lot.

Abba sings "winner takes it all"

누구나 사랑 받고 싶고
누구나 관심 받고 싶고
누구나 인정 받고 싶어 한다.

하지만 내가 가장 사랑 받고, 가장 관심 받고, 가장 인정 받았을 때는
생각해보면
내가 중심을 잡고 나의 길을 묵묵히 가고 있을 때였다.
손에 꼭 쥘래야 잡을수 없는 그들은 사실 자연스럽게 나를 따라 오는 그런 건가 보다.

오히려 그것들을 쫓다가
더 초라해 지는 내 모습을 본 적이 있다.

No one wants to be rejected.
I guess one way to avoid rejection is to not put yourself into that chasing position in the first place. ("rejection" in related contents. Not all rejections are subjected to fear)

그래..묵묵히..저 빌딩에...끙
Is that white thing going to happen on Christmas? :)

Dejavu, moni!

인생의 순환적임에 나는 가끔 깜짝깜짝 놀랄 때가 있다.

Upon my fifth meeting with Fr.Denis, my spiritual director, I was able to tell him that I am all-embracing of optimism and peace in mind. He says that I have always been.

He sometimes brings up the memories from when we first met. I was in high school back then, and he still introduces me to others every time with the exact words "the girl who I was affected by (너무 예뻐서 내가 감동했던 '아이'; and he always stresses that I was only a GIRL)." I know what you,probably my acquaintance, might be thinking in your head. Overrated. I know. But the point I want to make here is really that,

the cyclical nature of Life amazes me.

I've been wanting to put that out there--sometime, somewhere very soon, because I've been seeing that in every corner of even middle (soon to be late) twenty's life. Fr.Denis and my 인연 ("human connection") is one case out of many.

Unfortunately, neither he nor I remember what it was about my story that "touched" him so much. But I do remember so vividly the talks we had under the Big Bear Mountains' sky, the first confession where I poured out my fears and tears, and mostly, the verses from Romans 8 that he recited for me. ("You, however, live not by your natural inclinations, but by the Spirit, since the Spirit of God has made a home in you.") He's marked the beginning and the highlight of my spirituality. That is, the highest of me.

Back in Korea (which is also very cyclical), I reach the news that he is at Sogang University: 3 subway stops away, a 10-minute ride. Something very desperate and glad rises from me, and even before I know it, he is already updated on my inexplicable movings post-2004. Now, when I've seen the lowest of it, he is back in my [spiritual] field of vision, accompanying me through the walk of my journey. God must love me or somethin'.

Because Life draws on circles, we are bound to return.
And return is good;
second time we are more cognizant, not to mention we're also grown.
But as someone said, maybe we can aim for spirals instead of circles, because we don't want to feel like we are marching in place. Advancing--indeed-- is better.
아무리 그래도 그렇지, 제자리 걸음은 싫잖아 ;)

close to finishing my plate

I still have a lot of room to grow
and i can't fully explain how thrilled i am to see what will come out of this me.

December thoroughly entertains me with free floating thoughts and realizations,
but it seems like i still can't..i just can't...get myself to



WRITE!

so many on my plate

I just could not get myself to


write.

We often forget

that
we gain by giving
and we fill ourselves when we empty ourselves.

탐하는게 많아질수록 인생이 비굴해진다.

Oh the weather outside is frightful ♬but the fire is so delightful ♬

주말 사이 날씨가 제법 많이 쌀쌀해졌다.
어제는 콧등에 눈도 맞아보고.

밖이 추운데 속까지 휑하면 너무 시리다.
조그만 구멍도 금새 커져 외로워지기는 너무 쉽다.
그래서 밖이 추울수록 마음은 따뜻하게 채워야 한다는 생각이 든다.

연평 포격 사건으로 숨진 해병대 두명의 영결식을 보며 엉엉 울고 있는데
지나가시던 엄마의 뻘쭘해지는 한마디: "네가 울고 싶었나 보구나"

그리고 오늘 저녁 아직 퇴근도 못하신것 같은 승구쌤 이메일
("공부하는데 참고해~~ ^^" )그리고 통계 프로그램 정리해놓으신 파일 첨부까지.
감동해 오늘 밤 꿈은 기분 좋을것 같다며 요란 떠는건 나 아닌가.

아이스크림은 더 차갑고, 핫코코는 더 뜨거운 겨울,
남을 생각해 주는 마음도 crescendo되어 다가 올 때에는,
무조건 예쁜말, 예쁜짓 아끼지 않는거다.

It's that time again.
그치, 마리야?

Classic.

If I were living my mom's life, I'd be getting married at this exact day
...as a 24 year-old young bride, still confused but excited for her newly wed life.
Mommy Sungho says she liked my dad's serene and gentle aura when she first met him (she has a boyish name). She says she could trust that he will take care of her.


I don't know what Daddy Minkyung's story is (and I can never milk it out of his stubborn mouth) but according to his friends, they were all very surprised when my dad showed up to a gathering with my mom. "What? Minkyung's brought a girl?" (my dad has a girly name)

25 years ago, on this day my parents got married.
Out of those 25 long years, they been away from each other for too long. (흠 그건 내가 죄송)
But it's still there. They are still there, singing at a church choir together and hiking at nearby mountains every so often.

And the year after that, their beautiful daughter makes her grand entrance to this wonderful world. This girl is a 20-something-years-old but she is still a tadpole in their eyes. (매일 문자로 "아침은 먹었니?", "집에 가면 먹을껀 있니?")

And 4 years later, this thing joins the family (↓)


Since 2005, we've been one family with three different homes (not to mention having more than one home since 1999), but we know that our headquarter, the base camp, and the citadel is where 아빠 and 엄마 are.

아부지 어머니, 결혼 25주년 축하해유~♥

And because it's conveniently the day of Thanksgiving, let me just say that I am wholeheartedly thankful for my bestestestestest mommy and daddy ...and maybe my brother steppi.

학빈아, 누나 대전 내려간다. 메롱 그리고 미안 ㅠㅜ

today is the day

when I found out that my sense of optimism is quite different from that of many people in my motherland.
I hear that I am an optimistic person (and it is true that I try to see my glass always half full), but when they say the word "optimistic," I am often confused whether they are really giving me a compliment; their eyes say, "You little girl, what do you know."



Today was the day..
when I was falling asleep like the usual me after lunch
and heard all so suddenly that North Koreans are firing on 연평도. This attack made South Korea go under the "Jindo-dog#1"code, which according to Dr.Lee (who was in the ground combat unit in his younger days) is the state right before a declaration of war. At a moment like this, Koreans display an incomprehensible amount of optimism.
Ex#1: "This is not the first time where the North acted like this. And nothing really has happened this all along ♬"
Ex#2: "We're fine because we're in a hospital building. They can't touch us ♪"
Ex#3: "If we were meant to die today, we will just die ♪ " (yay)

...

Now what I think is that,
maybe, I have a different threshold for perceiving what is realistic and what is not.

That is, if I were to give a GRE-style antonym to this whole situation it would look like..
earthquake : Californians :: Kim Jong-Il's lunacy (똘끼): South Koreans

makes more sense now, right?

if a picture paints a thousand words then why can't i paint you

"If" by Bread.
This is by far the most romantic song I've heard. Lyrics and melodies like these are hard to find nowadays, no? There are some bands who write incredible songs, but even so, I don't think they quite match up to sentiment of the olden day artists. Maybe I was meant to exist in the 60's or the 70's :/ But please just listen to the guitar, pay attention to the lyrics, and feed your autumn-drenched souls...

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

:) ah

happy early christmas (nope, cant do that)

Dear Santa:
what I really would really love to have for Christmas is significant p-values
(and one Tickle Me Elmo, maybe).
Thanks! :)

Sincerely yours,
one pathetic grad student from Seoul ♥

knock knock 여보세요?

Sometimes we wonder why we need to pray.
(Doesn't God already know what we want? He knows what's in my mind, right? 다 알고 계시잖아요) When I was little, my definition of prayer was "asking for something 'good.'" Then after some years of Sunday school and a few "last night of the retreat experiences", I've come to acknowledge prayer as a conversation with God. I developed a cute habit of speaking with God frequently and even at random times of a day: standing in line for a latte or making my way from spot A to spot B in a huge UCSD campus, for example. Instead of thinking to myself, "It's a beautiful day," I modified this expression into a friendly question of "It's a beautiful day....isn't it?" Talking to God wasn't so hard. Not at all. God's been everywhere in my life, and every time I took the eucharist, his existence in me was once again reminded.

"Prayer" to a 24-year-old Kim 현 Monica is a ruler that measures how close she is standing to God. To answer the questions that I posed at the beginning of this post--of course He knows more about me and how I feel, but the significance of act of praying is that we examine my relationship with God.

Where are you? (Genesis Chapter 3)

For the first time in a very long tme, I attended mass out of my pure desire to be in His house. I've missed church a couple times within the last month (50% attendance rate. That's a Fail!) and somehow, I was able to compromise with my own conscienceness that it's okay to take a break if I feel like it :/ If there were an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other [like in cartoons] I guess I let the demon kick angel's butt. But even with that foul nonchalance, I knew from the back of my head that I won't stray away too far. I knew God was expecting me and I planned to return..soon. And today, I went to mass at Myungdong church and was absolutely delighted to be there.

The choir sang Dona nobis pacem and I discovered myself reverberating the same phrase in my head. God, grant me your peace. I have no clear reason for reciting such prayer with such direness, but at least at the moment, I felt desperate. 왜였을까?
I have yearnings that cannot be fulfiled by my work alone. To be free from selfish desires and realize that He will provide what I really need will I reach the peace of mind.

I think it's about time that I say this Bible verse again..the one that fuels the entirety of my soul: Yahweh Yireh.
"On the mountain Yahweh provides"
Lord will provide. Amen.

저 멀리 가지 않아요.
돌아오려고요 :)
picture title: 멀리 안가는 포즈 but really, 멀리 못가게 하는 짧은 다리

우리 인생도 아름다워 ♥

주말 저녁에도 나를 10시까지 들어오는 바른생활 어린이로 만든 드라마 <인생은 아름다워>가 어제 끝났다. 참 좋은 작품이었다. 덕분에 내 인생도 설레여 질 정도로.

참 아름다웠던 제주도 배경 속 4대 가족, 10쌍의 커플 중심으로 생겨나는 에피소드들로 스토리가 전개 되었다. 이혼, 재혼, 출산, 죽음, 동생애까지 인생의 참 많은 얼굴을 담고 있기도 한데 궁극적으로 이 모든 다사다난함 끝에 돌아올 곳은 가족이라는 것, 그리고 또 결국 제목이 말하듯이 인생은 아름답다는 것, 그 메시지를 전하며 끝난다.

드라마가 끝나기 5분을 채 남겨두지 않고 극 중 송창의가 하는 대사 중 참 마음에 드는 하나: “마음은 표현하며 사는거야”. 실제로 작가가 그리는 등장인물들은 서로에게 예쁜 말만 하며 산다. 항상 가족애를 중심으로 드라마를 쓰는 김수현이 현대 가족에게 좀 더 다정하게, 예쁜 말투로 정말 사랑을 말하며 살라고 전하고 싶었나보다. 난 그렇게 이해했다.

그리고 내가 여기서 마지막으로 호섭씨 사진을 첨부하는건 전혀 생뚱맞지 않다.

이제 호섭씨 못봐서 어쩌누 ㅠㅜ

찾아야 하는 페이퍼는 관심 밖이고 난 지금 뭐하니

In l'Ultime Secret (a novel by Bernard Werber; 베르나르 베르베르의 <뇌>) a physically paralyzed man has the dream of controlling the world with the his one intact body part--the brain. Back in the days, I thought it was creative of Werber to dare think that the human brain can act upon the physical world with no help from external limbs. And I was somehow persuaded that we are pretty close to that day...even without much knowledge in neuroscience.



A paper published in Nature says that patients with severe epilepsy "have used mind control to change images on a video screen. In other words, we can purposefully strengthen or suppress an idea/image to deliver what's in our mind to the external environment.
"생각만으로 세상을 바꾼다"는건 비유적인 표현만이 아닌 세상이 벌써 온걸까?

First of all, the field of brain-machine interface is still overwhelming.
But we've already made a man move a computer cursor to remote-control the robotic arm with his neural activation (a chip was transplanted in his motor cortex).

And today's biomed seminar was on designing a genome sequence the way clients want. Designing a DNA set. Tailoring certain characteristics into a Life.
What's next? Where are we walking into?

Here is the link to the Nature News article: http://www.nature.com/news/2010/101027/full/news.2010.568.html

(I have the paper, pdf.)

and below is the video that explains the procedure. Warning: content contains images of the real brain (juicy!)




my question,though: but if you attempt to suppress ideas, you'll notice that it's harder to do so; conversely, you will end up thinking more about it. Wouldn't this interfere with your purposeful "move"?

i got a papercut

big deal.

그런날이 있다.
뜨개질 하다 코 하나 빠뜨렸는데 무시하고 계속 목도리 뜨는 기분으로,
눈썹 짝짝이로 그려서 하루종일 거울볼때마다 신경쓰이는 그 느낌으로,
어느 도미노가 옆으로 빗나가 쓰러져 뒤에 것들은 너무나 뻘쭘하게 서있게 되는 그 상황처럼,
일진부터 삐뚤어져 잔잔하게 어이없이 살게되는 하루가 있다.

이런날에는 괜히 하얀,순하게 생긴 종이에 손을 베인것조차 10배로 대단한 일인듯 느껴진다. 아 아퍼!

브로콜리너마저도 이런날 이런마음으로
젓가락 사이로 미끌어지는 브로콜리를 원망했겠지
이런, 브로콜리 너마저...

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something blue, something fresh

1. last weekend, I visited Jini in Busan ♡

2. Series of papers, life in front of the computer, clock ticking here and there..
I don't mean to complain. You know me--I like it busy♬
But, wow boy, does the ocean breeze feel good or what..

3. How do you prefer to spend your weekend: mountains or the beach?
I am a Cali girl who spent her childhood running up and down the mountain soils.
Give me either and I will make the best out of it :)


4. I don't think I breathe 100%.
I feel like I inhale 60% of my lung capacity
and exhale 70% out.
Sometimes we need to just simply breath-0n-breath-out. Deep ones.
Sometimes, all that matters is the fact that we are still breathing.
'Cause as long as we breathe, we can project to any direction from this point on.

5. Anyways,
I like this picture a lot!

그래 눈도 큰데 말이야

Every time you wish something, keep your eyes wide open, focus and know exactly what you want. No one hits the target with eyes closed.

Paulo Coelho
The Devil and Miss Prym


I don't even remember what this book was about.
But in a quest for Bread of Life, I searched through my silver diary from '08 and got one.
My solution #1 summarized in five letters: f-o-c-u-s
갑자기 잘 뛰다가 내가 왜 뛰는지 모르겠을 때가 있다.
내 존재를 온전히 의식하며 뛰고 있다고 믿었는데도 말이다.
내가 원하는 것이 아니라면 이끌려 가지 않을꺼다.
그리고 내가 무얼 원하는지 아는 힘은 나에게 있다.

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if i fell in love with you would you promise to be true and help me understand 'cause i've been in love before and i found that love was more than jus

Please, let me have the honor to introduce you to my favorite autumn Beatles song.
Watch this video (from A Hard Day's Night) and tell me you don't love the Beatles.
No, don't you dare.....

20101010

정말축하축하축하

당신과 있으면 맑은 공기를 마시며 산책하는것 같아요...라는 언니의 표현이 너무 예뻤다 :) 혜진언니의 행복한 마음이 나에게도 느껴져서 나도 괜히 취한듯 언니를 바라보았다

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My thoughts, like the clouds

Pictures from 청계 (Chung-Gye) Mountains this weekend :)


미국에서 서울로 올때 단어를 하나 정해왔다: "꿋꿋이"

치열하고 남의 시선 의식해야 하는 사회에서 내 귀를 닫고 꿋꿋이 내 갈길만 충실히 걷겠노라고 다짐했었다. 하지만 로마에 가면 로마의 법을 따르라고 했다지..이젠 한국 생활방식에도 순응하는 방법을 좀 배워야 할 것 같다. 잘난척 그만하고 나도 "그들"의 일부가 되어야 겠다는 생각이 든다는 말이다. 난 내 방식이 개성이라고 생각했지만 그 단어가 조화의 반대말로 받아들여 지는건 또 너무 쉽더라.

그리운 사람들이 있다.
그리운 내 세상이 있다.
하지만 가슴 찡하게 그리워하지는 않을꺼다.
나처럼 동해번쩍 서해번쩍 하는 사람들은 그리움에 발 담그면 한없이 푹 꺼질 수 있기 때문에.

매봉까지 올라 저 예쁜 광경을 보고도 가슴이 시원하지 않은건 좀 손해 본 느낌이지만,
내려오는 길 내내 나의 이야기 다 들어준 청계산과 모처럼 만난 티나초에게 무한 감사할 따름 ♥

위기

America runs on Dunkin.
...or so they say.


Korea runs on kimchi.
...and it's a fact.


Obnoxious inflation on cabbage prices in the market has brought a cascade of some fantastical phenomena.

one cabbage costs 15000 won (~$13), dollar value → some restaurants started posting up signs that says, "Pay extra 2000 won (~$1.5) if you want an extra [miniscule] side dish of kimchi :D" → Neologism "금치" arises from gold-chi → Korea Univ. Hospital started serving alternatives, such as 깍두기 (raddish kimchi), and it's been cabbage-free for 2 straight weeks → newspaper says a lady got caught while stealing 10 cabbages. Asked why and she confesses, "I wanted to eat kimchi (김치 먹고 싶어서)" → Pres. Rhee attempts to confort poor Korean souls by stating that soon, massive amount of cabbages will be imported from China →

The highlight of my Monday became the moment when I found a container full of frozen 김치찌개(kimchi containing stew) that probably has been sitting in my fridge since July ♬

For those of you who don't know, there's a song--it's a pretty serious song--that was written by someone who obviously had deep insight about Korean energy source: "김치 없인 못살아 정말 못살아! (I can't live without kimchi, I really can't!)"

What a disaster..쩝..
우왕와왕ㅇ왕



요즘 한국에서 유행은 고기 안에 상추를 쌈해먹는 것이랍니다~ :)

why so noisy & nosy?

What do you think the name "칼바위" implies?
("칼"="knife" ; "바위"="boulder")

Yup, you've got it.
We neglected our sharp intuition and decided to try this intense (excruciating) hiking (rock climbing) trail. But the aftermath was a pleasant surprise in many ways.

Needless to say about the great sense of accomplishment along with the striking views from the top of 북한 mountains, I actually got to spend the entire Sunday for rehabilitation--the very historical day where I saw not a single familiar face and cooked all three meals for myself.

Moreover, I got to have the first sincere, legitimate prayer for the first time in the embarrassing 3 months of apathy.


어찌하여 "정상적인 24시간" 안에서는 10분의 고요도 허용하지 못했단 말이더냐, 킴현아?!

giving thanks

Korean Thanksgiving (추석) break ends tonight.

This Chuseok was special in many ways because:
1. There was unimaginable amount of rain--a record breaker near a century.
2. Due to two deadly storms from earlier this month, prices for pretty much all edible Kindom Plantae skyrocketed. (e.g., we bought one binding of spinach for eight folds of its price in August).
My grandma says she's never seen vegetables this expensive in her memory of 70 years.
3. Fruits are supposed to be "party-in-my-mouth" good around this time, but many were rather bland. Why? Refer to the first sentence of #2.
4. First generation of smart phone applications for tracking highway traffic.


This Chuseok was special to me in many ways because:
1. This was one of the very rare occasions that I spend it with my family in Korea.
2. I didn't go in lab for 1.5 weeks (explanation: two weekends+Holiday break+1 vacation day+2 school days).
3. I monitored every step of making songpyeon (rice cake that highlights the Holiday; turkey-equivalent). Therefore, I was very attached to every one of them and they are my babies.


See? These little cuties are chestnuts. One of the best gifts of the Fall's got to be the opportunities to "harvest" chestnuts that you never planted.(-_-) I spent an hour at the 성주mountains searching every corner under the chestnut trees and got a bag full of nuts and two legs full of mosquitoe bites.

Sometimes, they are just blatantly out in the open world, yelling, "take me!"

And look at our busy cameo ;)

Then, our cute little chestnusts are steamed and mixed with brown sugar to become the 속, the inner part of songpyeon. (The outer part is the sticky rice cake).

The final draft below...

Who's inside?

Familiar faces :)

끄덕끄덕.
Thumbs up!