꼬물꼬물 2

"A single event
can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.
To live is to be slowly born."

- Antoine de Satint-Exupery
생텍-쥐-페리

My advisor from Boston once told me that when digging knowledge, all researchers should take into account the possibility of previous literatures being wrong. But what is research, really? To constantly see, absorb, and mold--this absolute formula for learning applies to even the most undiscovered field of knowledge, which is, ourselves.

Sorry to throw this out there, as a pursuing scholar of psychology (a.k.a. "people who want to see through you") but human mind will forever be a mystery :/




You don't know me. You don't know that I don't know that you don't know me.

새로운 내모습이 꼬물꼬물 올라와서 가끔 깜짝깜짝 놀란다.
하나 아는 사실이 있다면, 난 참 의태어를 좋아한거 그거 하나? 어머나

꼬물꼬물

A bit of spring:

It's not too sweet,

or too flavorful;

subtle but definitely fresh.

Briefly, the 3 day camp of with total <6 hours of sleep was quite a cure for my nature-deprived, children-deprived life. Something has melted the tense lump that was suppressing me inside, and now I am back to the jolly lady that I once was [or I always was].

So if I were to pick a color at this moment, I'd say....lime green!

따뜻한 기운이 올라오고 있군요 :) 꼬물꼬물 이렇게

really, who can't write a sitcom

뻔데기 뻔짜라고 생각하는 드라마 장면들이 몇개 있지만, 그 중 하나는 다음과 같다:

<순한 캐릭터 1이 큰 사건 (부모님의 억울한 죽음, 사랑하는 이의 배신, 실패)을 겪고 독기를 품는다. 화면에는 그/그녀의 이글거리는 눈빛이 비춰지며 복수, 자기파괴 등 과 같은 것들이 암시된다>

캐릭터 2: (안타까운 목소리로) 이러지마, 너답지 않게...
캐릭터 1: (살짝 옆으로 보며, 그리고 인상쓰며) 뭐?? 나다운게 뭔데?

---

나에게 저런 드라마틱한 상황은 일어나지 않았지만 나도 잠시 본 이미지를 잃었고, 요 몇주, 내 주위 사람들은 충실히 캐릭터 2 역할을 맡아주어야 했다. 그럴때 마다 나는 정말 궁금해서, "나다운게 뭔데-레파토리"로 받아 치고 싶었지만 난 예측 가능한 대사는 싫기에 관두었다. 사실은 그들이 무슨 뜻으로 하는 말인지도 알았기 때문인지도 모르지만.

어쨋든,
머릿속은 그 어떤 때 보다도 다양하고 복잡한 생각들로 가득 찼었지만 정말 블로그에 적어 두고 싶은건 하나도 없었다. 낯선 내입으로 삶이 지루하다고 말하고 있었으니깐.
그게 제일 나답지 않은 것이었다.

생각해 보면 그 말을 하던 그 순간도 결코 지루한 순간은 아니었던 것 같다.
아무리 멜로드라마의 청순 (=청승) 여주인공이 되어 보려고 해도,
도대체가 바닥까지 떨어지고 다시 박차오르는 성공스토리의 영웅이 되어 보려 해도,
나는 항상 코메디였다.

일기를 들추어보니 나는 그 "암흑기" 동안
- 남의 결혼식에 혼자 가서 스테이크 썰고, 와인까지 원샷하며 남자친구도 없는 내 친구들의 미래의 결혼식 생각에 감동의 눈물 훔치지 않았나
- 먹고 살겠다고 2시간 동안 요리해서 바로 얼려두고 이틀 뒤 먹지 않았나
- 친구따라 강남가서 원수를 외나무 다리에서 만나질 않았나
- 병원에서 연구가운 입고 울다가 환자에게 의사가 왜우냐며 위로 받지 않았나
- 우울한 음악에 취해 있다가 반대방향 버스를 타서 한강을 3번 건너지 않았나
etc. etc...

그리고 내연구에 지쳐가고 있을때 하늘에서는 나에게 EBS 프로젝트를 내려주었다.
다큐프라임 3부작에 수면이란 주제로 참여하게 되어는데 덕분에 일복이 터터터졌다.
하지만 그 준비가 너무 즐거워서 일하며 생긴 우울증/스트레스를 또다시 일로 풀고 있는 요즘이라 이게 무슨 아이러니인가..싶다.

그래, 좋다고.
시트콤 인생 좋다.
이렇게 한없이 어두어 지고 싶을 때도 우리 인생에 "유머"라는 것 밝은 색을 불어 넣어주니 이게 얼마나 다행인지 생각해본다. 난 웃긴애라 슬픈 뮤직비디오의 주인공은 못하겠다 이거다.


Picture Title: 훗
나 저런 표정으로 세상에게 콧방귀 끼며 살 참이다.

if something were to last forever

Previous studies on positive psychology tell us that no matter what felicitous events or life changes we encounter, we end up returning to the baseline level of happiness. In other words, no single burst of happiness makes permanent changes. We quickly adapt and realize that we are back at our same, normal place again. Therefore, "hedonic treadmill."

Happiness
is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a quest.
To find it is a constant battle within oneself and to remain in it is universally a never-ending journey. We all have that one thing we are secretly begging for at this moment, don't we all? ("Once I have that, I will be a happier person.") But with enough experience, we know that we will be thirsty for more even with that in our hands; we wake up and inevitably, there still will be problems and Life will still fool us.

There will be a moment where we hit a moment of emptiness. What do we do when running on the treadmill doesn't mean anything anymore? We fill ourselves with fuel again, something that will replace the meaningless-ness with yet another quest to joy and pleasure.

But there has to be something that never drys out. Nothing lasts forever, we say, but pouring out all my knowledge and mysteries of Life, one source of happiness that lasts, I daresay, is Love for others. It hit me while I was watching a documentary of Fr. John Tae-Suk Lee ( 故 이태석 신부님; who offered himself to the people of little, hungry town of Tonj, Sudan) that the only thing that will leave meanings to one's life all throughout is Giving. Though he is now passed away--and at such a young age--who would say his life was on a treadmill? Who would insist that his deeds on earth will someday be forgotten?



The movie was titled Don't Cry, Tonj.
Tonj doesn't need to cry. It's seen the most precious jewel of the world.
울지마 톤즈. 너로 인해 평생, 그리고 지금도 행복하시다잖니.

과천초 향기나는 연필깎기

"You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.

Yes,we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times,and we will experience many disappointments--but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken."
- By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho

우리는 분명 모두 위대한 모험가이다.
여정 중 평탄한 길만 나올리 없다. 훗날 지나간길 돌아보며 우리 참 용감했다 말할테지.

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김현 비위 맞추기

So I've been particularly sensitive about my inner changes and mostly, emotions.
I wanted to make careful observations of what makes me feel better, happier, and nicer.
Because I haven't been exactly that much of myself recently.

So I tried a few things and tried to listen to what the inner me has to say.

Writing on blog- I have a few rough drafts that didn't make it to the "publish" button. Translating my thoughts--my cynical and negative thoughts--wouldn't have possibly made someone's day better, therefore, ideas were only roughly drafted.

Talking- Because the root of my problems was rather very fundamental and philosophical, to undress my issues could've been nothing but three hours of me just talking and ending up crying. Plus, it's energy draining. So I tried the next..

NOT Talking- I apologize for my un-responsive-ness. To emails, phone calls, IM's, etc. Like I said previously, talking didn't work, so I tried NOT talking. What came was birth to unnecessary worries from my loved ones.

Reading- If only my brain could've processed texts, this method would've worked. However, language is a high degree cognitive functioning, and considering my current condition, using brain power was not really a productive act.

Running on a treadmill & on a park trail- I thought a burst of endorphin would help. Science was right: running did make me feel better, thanks to my intact neurochemical responses.

Watching 3 episodes of Grey's Anatomy in one sitting- No wonder intellectuals call TV's a 바보상자 (=a box for stupids). Not having to use your brain is a wonderful feeling, in addition to drooling over Patrick Dempsey's smile.

Snowboarding- Depressed people are in danger of committing impulsive and riskful moves. I'd like to say that I was a brave soldier who climbed up to the advanced lane without much thought. Call me "Silver" from this point on, please.

Museum exhibition- My sour blue journal, bloody red wallet, and grassfield green scarf tell that I am easily affected by colors. Chagall, the"magician of the colors" came to Seoul, so I displayed excellent etiquette and visited him amongst morbid flu and runny nose. Paintings in vivid colors never disappoint me. [Note: Chagall didn't really come. He died a few years back but his paintings can travel].

Cutting, burning, and boiling........or say cooking- I helped my grandma and mama prepare for 설날 (the Chinese New Year's). Hours of using knife gave me some kind of catharsistic effect.



But besides that, I watched Julie & Julia and felt a repressed passion for cooking once again. Maybe cooking could be a pick-me-up.
I need to be picked up. I want to try to make myself be happy and entertained again. That's what I heard from my inside today. And that's an improvement.

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