김똥꼬들 이야기 1번

Surrender: another word for trust; a shortening of time-will-heal-so-wait-and-see; and a nicer version of just-shut-up-already. People say that life gets unraveled on its own and is bound to reveal its conspiracy, but when? How? Why?

Yes, start asking why, and that's when you go crazy.

"Be it unto me according to thy word," said the Virgin (not in verbatim but refer to Luke 1:38). Perhaps the hardest and the greatest a human being can do is to accept the Mystery. If dig into the very deep root of all troubled souls, we see unreasonable and relentless selves hanging tightly to their dire obsessions. There is this Christian book that's been tapping the bestseller list for a long time now, and it's titled 내려놓음 (of LETTING GO). My aunt suggested me not to pick it up yet (for "it will become very useful when I feel my life is on its edge"), but I can already assume its content by the title of the book, because the title itself holds much force in it. But I dare say now that accepting is harder than letting go. Essentially, the two are the same in nature. I do see that too. But I just like to place the practice of accepting to be one step over having to detach your holdings. That's what it is--detachment! Why do I have to cut a part of me and risk a scar? I would--might as well--nod at it and make it my history and my own flesh. Whether pathogenic or not, I still build immunity from it, right?

...

그래도 가끔
내가 할수있는 일은 이제 없지만, 또 그걸 알지만, 그게 너무 억울하게 느껴질 때에는 울어줘야한다. 그리고 또 가끔은 '나 울고 있어요. 나 다독여줘야돼요' 그 마음을 누군가에게 보여주는것도 건강하다고 생각한다. 자기편은 하나 저장해 두어야 하니깐. 난 괜찮은척 꾹- 참다가 울고싶으면 꼭 도연이한테 전화를 했는데 이젠 국제전화라 우는것도 너무 비싸졌다. 나한테는 너무 무거운 상황들을 가볍게 바꿔버리는 도연이 목소리가 참 얄미웠는데 나중에 긴급상황때는 그 목소리 듣게 돈좀 쓸까보다.


얘가 도연이. 우리는 공연에서 김현식 노래들을 불렀다.
이 사진에서 보이는것처럼 얄미운 아이는 아니다.
사진이 맘에 안들면 언젠가는 나에게 솔직하게 말해주겠지 뭐~ ;)